I think that coffee shops are the perfect environment for me to read. It’s busy and noisy enough to keep me from getting bored but quiet enough for me to sit down without distractions and read a good book or ponder a thought. Here is something that has been rattling around in me lately…
I long to be found in His nearness because He longs to be found by me. Does God ever take away his nearness on account of our sin? Or is it perhaps that when we sin that very nearness awakens the pain of wounding the heart of God with our lack of trust or rebellious attitudes. I think that sometimes my mind and heart would rather accept the concept of being distanced for a time then to accept his nearness during these moments of failure. But how has this and does this affect my understanding and knowledge of God? Would I really rather prefer to believe in a God of my own construction to save myself the feelings of Spirit inspired shame when I am confronted with the consequences of my weakness and failure? Does a God who is unconditional in his love and continual sacrificial offering of Himself terrify me so? Have I traded a God of absolute faithfulness to spare myself the effort to obey him no matter what the cost, knowing that failure is bound to happen occasionally and shame is bound to overwhelm my heart at times when it is appropriate for the Spirit’s pruning and development of my character? And instead of my effort to “save” my emotions from the pain of knowing my actions have wounded my Beloved, it has condemned me to a shallowness in my affection of the Maker of my being, the Designer of my heart.
Why have I hidden myself from Him? For I’m beginning to see that I have hidden my heart away from the divine designer who created it in the first place, instead of Him hiding Himself from me. So fearful of it being wounded, I have locked this heart away. Away from people but most importantly from the Creator of it. What does that do to Him? What does that speak to him? How I have mourned the wounds inflicted on it yet have wounded it in far greater ways by holding it captive from the Healer of all ages. I have bound my emotions up, chaining them down for fear of my inability to control them if they were ever given the freedom to be controlled by He who is Love. The few times I have allowed them to love the way they desired to… the way they were designed, the moment they were rejected or I face my failure, I flee. I flee and retreat into the recesses of my being to lick the wounds to terrified to let them out again. However in the darkness, solitude and silence I recognize the whisper of my Beloved calling me out…

“draw near to me, love me, delight in me, pour out your affection on me…adore me. Do not lock them away, I want them. I want them unbridled… I want you.”

And slowly, patiently, faithfully he draws them out, wooing me with great and intimate acts of love. “Trust me” he says. “Love me with all your heart. Love me with all your soul. Love me with all your mind. Trust me. Yes I will ask you to love people, yes some will reject you but I will lead you as you love my sheep. But not with a love that is your own, rather come we will love them together. Come with me, love with me.” Amazing Grace how sweet is thy sound. A river of living water has washed me clean. A great thirst has gripped me, a great thirst He has quenched. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise.